Harry Potter and the Chamber of Lies
by SecretBeauty-NM-LM
Summary: Harry's second year. Yet again totally messed up and wrong in many, many ways. Just take your pick.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Same rules apply as my first parody of the 1st book/movie. Just for entertainment purposes.

Chapter One

* * *

----Harry sat at his desk, writing yet another letter to his friends Ron and Hermione. It seems that's all that he was doing. He hoped that by annoying them enough with letters that they would finally respond. He hadn't heard form any of them in over a month and he wanted to know what was going on. 

_Ron and Hermione,_

_Dudes! Wtf is wrong with you guys?! I'm stuck with these muggles all summer that make my life a living hell and you're off doing whatever with whoever in a hot tub! Don't deny it!_

_Harry_

Yes, he was definitely sick of being left out, and to make things worse, Hedwig wouldn't stop squawking in her cage. "Hedwig! You stupid chicken! I told you you can't go out! Uncle Vernon will have my head and somehow I really don't doubt that."

Harry could have sworn that a thought bubble with '_well then blast his ass!_' appeared over the top of her head, but before he could inquire further he was called down stairs.

"Harry Potter!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon?" Harry said, stepping into the living room.

"If you can't control That bird of your, it'll have to go," he said, fussing with Dudley's tie.

"But she's bored, if I could only let her out for an hour or two--"

"Heh! So you can send messages to your freaky little friends? No sir!"

Dudley laughed and shouldered him hard.

"Right, now, the Mason's are about to arrive and we need to run over our places. So, Petunia you'll be..."

"In the living room, waiting to welcome them graciously into our home," she said with a flourish of her hands. Harry gaged.

"And Dudley..."

"I'll be waiting to open the door," he said in his most refined gentleman voice that just sounded like a little girl.

"And you'll be..." they all turned to glare at Harry.

"I'll be up in my room, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist," he responded as if reading a script.

"Too right you are. This very well may be the most important deal I make of my career and you'll not be messing it up," his face began to turn red at the thought of it going wrong.

"Relax," Harry reassured. "Just don't tell that stupid Japanese golfer joke and you should be good."

"What was that boy?!" Uncle Vernon roared.

"I said, just don't tell that stupid Japanese golfer joke and you'll be good. Maybe if you lost some weight so there wasn't so much fat blocking your ears you'd've heard the first time!" Harry took off and ran after that, for Uncle Vernon turned a violent shade of red and purple with that remark.

Harry ran and closed and locked his bedroom door laughing.

For hours Harry lay on his back listening to Aunt Petunia's shrill laugh, Dudley's usual clueless laugh (he usually had no clue what anything meant. Put it this was, it wasn't covered in chocolate and grease, he had no clue what was said).

At quarter to nine there was a pop and the strangest creature Harry had ever seen in his life was standing in the middle of his room.

"Harry Potter sir, such an honor," it bowed.

"Umm, what are you?" Harry asked.

"I'm Doby sir; Doby the House Elf," he flourished another bow.

"Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't exactly a good time to have visitors in my room," Harry glanced nervously at the door.

"Plus, I'm not in the best of moods. I haven't heard from any of my friends for a while now. I keep sending them letters but I never get anything back. If I had a Sickle for every letter I sent I'd have--"

"Sixteen Sickles," Doby offered.

"Yeah-Wait, how would you know?" he regarded the elf, sizing him up. _Yeah, I could take him_, he though to himself.

"There are bad things going on at Hogwarts this year!" Doby warned. He gasped. "I shouldn't have said that!" he grabbed the near by lamp and began hitting himself over the head with it.

"Doby! Stop!" Harry said. Too late, the sound of a hippo climbing a staircase sounded. Uncle Vernon heard. Geeze! He must have the ears of a Fennec Fox!

"What the devil is going on here?!" he shouted.

"Nothing," Harry had hurried and shoved Doby into the closet. Uncle Vernon looked around before leaving. Harry shouted down after him, "I've told you before! Incest is wrong!"

Doby came back out of the closet. "Never thought I'd do that twice," he remarked, removing a sock from his ear.

"Harry Potter musn't be mad at Doby. Doby did what he thought was best sir," he slowly took out a bundle of letters from the folds of the rag he was wearing.

"Give those to me!" Harry ordered.

"No!" Doby ran out of the room.

"Little bitch! Get back here!" he made a grab for him but his fingers slipped.

They stumbled into the kitchen. Doby spotted the cake that Aunt Petunia had baked and nicely decorated earlier that day.

Harry read what Doby was thinking. "No Doby! Don't! You haven't had dinner yet!"

Doby snapped his fingers.

"Aunt Petunia doesn't like to be snapped at!" Harry cried.

The cake magically began to float in the air. The faster Harry went to-wards it to stop it the faster it moved away from him, soon dropping on Mrs. Mason's head. The family cried in horror. They looked up to see Harry with his hands outstretched. They didn't care that he too looked to be as if in shock.

--The next day Uncle Vernon installed bars across the window of Harry's room. "You're never going back to that school!" he kept shouting over and over.

"Think of the neighbors!" Aunt Petunia cried, looking to see if the nosy woman next door was peering out her back window. Of course she was; Aunt Petunia waved.

Harry just stared out in disbelief. This had to be his worest birthday yet.

--He was awoken that night by a rumbling in the sky and a bright light shining into his room. Groggily he put his glasses on to peer out. An old Ford car pulled to to the window.

"Hiya Harry!" a familiar voice called out.

"Ron?" he looked closer. It was Ron and his two other brothers, Fred and George.

"Yeah! We were getting worried about you. I haven't gotten any letters! You alright mate?"

"I'll be fine. But I don't think I'm going back to Hogwarts this year. My uncle put bars on my window."

Fred and George looked at each other with a grin. "Not to worry Harry," Fred said. George climbed into the back and pulled up a grappling hook and placed it on the bars. "You might want to stand back and pack your stuff," George cautioned.

Harry hurried and threw all his books and uniforms into his suitcase. On the count of three, George pulled the car forward and the bars off the window with a loud crash.

"Hurry!" Ron called.

Harry had gotten his effects in the car and was about to climb in himself when he heard Uncle Vernon storming down the hall. "You're not going back!" he shouted.

About in the car, Uncle Vernon managed to grab Harry's foot. "What's wrong with you?!" Harry cried. "Do you have a foot fetish or something?!" he gave a good kick and Uncle Vernon went tumbling out of the window into the bushes below.

Harry was free at last.

--At dawn, George began to lower the car. A strange, cozy house came into view.

"Welcome home," Fred said.

Quietly entering The Burrow as to not wake anyone, especially Mrs. Weasley, they snuck some scones and rolls off of a plate on the table.

Harry stared around in amazement. So this is what a wizard home was like. There was a pan in the sink with a charmed scrubber scrubbing away. Harry grinned when he saw a clock that had all the family's individual pictures on it and where they were. Instead of having time increments there were destinations such as 'Work' 'Home' 'Lost' and even one for 'Don't Care'.

They were all about to sneak up the stairs when there was a thundering coming down from them.

"Where have you been?!" it was Mrs. Weasley. Fred, George and Ron grimaced. So close...

"Beds empty! No note! You could have died, you could have been seen! Harry dear, how nice to see you," she smiled at him. Harry returned the smile but shifted uncomfortably.

"They were starving him mum! There were bars on his window," Ron said defensively.

"You best hope I don't put bars on your window Ronald Weasley," she gave him 'the scolding mother eye'.

"Come, time for a bit of breakfast," she ushered Harry into a seat.

Harry leaned into Ron, "Is your mum bi-polar?" Ron shrugged.

"Morning Weasleys!" a cheery voice called from outside.

"Morning dad!" they all called back.

"What a busy day! Nine raids!" he removed his cap to reveal a balding head, but still some red hair. A famous Weasley trait.

"Harry's going to join us dad," Ron put in.

"Really?" he turned to Harry. "So, you live with Muggles don't you?" he asked eagerly.

"Uh, yeah."

"Tell me, what exactly is the function of the rubber duck?" he took a bit of egg, leaned in so he didn't miss any important details.

"Uhh," Harry tried to think of a good way to explain when Mrs. Weasley cut in. "You might want to talk to them about flying that car of yours. They flew it to get Harry last night and didn't return until this morning. They're lucky they weren't seen!"

"Did you really?" he turned to face his sons. "How'd it go?!" his face lit up, but soon dropped when he was smacked on the shoulder by Mrs. Weasley. "I mean, that was very wrong. You shouldn't have done that." They all looked around, clearly not scolded but giggling. Mrs. Weasley rolled her eyes.

An owl flew in through the kitchen window, holding a stack of letters in it's beak. "Must be our Hogwarts letters," Percy said just joining them, taking the letters from the owl.

They each unfolded their letters looking over what they would need.

Harry smiled as he looked around. This was going to be a good year.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

----The very next day they were all off to Diagon Alley for school supplies.

"Right, now, this is what you do," Mrs. Weasley said ushering Ron into the fireplace. Harry backed up, looking for the nearest exit.

She placed what looked like sand in his hand. "Now do as Ron does. Be sure to speak very clearly!"

"Diagon Alley," Ron said, throwing down the sand. Green flames engulfed him.

"Ron!" Harry screamed, running to the fireplace. "What have you done?!" he grabbed Mrs. Weasley by the collar.

"Relax, dear! He's just gone through. He'll be there when we do the same!"

Harry released his grip. "Oh," he brushed her collar smooth and stepped into the fireplace.

He took some sand. "Dignailllllyrrrgoirutyschmidt." Flames engulfed him.

"What did he say? Did he speak clearly?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"Does it sound like he spoke clearly?" Mrs. Weasley regarded the fireplace, wondering where he was going to end up. "There's something not quite right with that boy."

--Harry whooshed out of a fireplace somewhere, though he did not know where. Getting up he brushed off his glasses on his robes. When everything was in perspective, he began to walk around. "Where am I?" he wondered to himself. He was in a shop, but he wasn't sure if it was in Diagon Alley. He hadn't remembered seeing any of this stuff from the street before. He looked out the window. Come to think of it, he hadn't even seen this street before.

He looked around at the perishables. Shrunken heads, Tied Tongues, Cat Tails. What kind of shop was this?

He was about to find the shop keep when the bell above the entrance door sounded and he went to hide. A familiar blond head appeared in the doorway with another man behind him. It was Draco and who must be Draco's father. There was no denying a close relation. He too had blond hair but long and hung loosely over his shoulders. He wore long, sweeping black robes with a deep purple vest underneath. Yepp, no need for Maury.

Harry continued to watch from his hiding place.

"Ah, Master Malfoy and young Master Malfoy as well, delighted," the shop keeper came out from the stores and greeted. "I must say, just in today and very reasonably priced-"

"No, thank you, Borgin," Mr. Malfoy cut off. "I have a few personal items I wish to sell," he reached into his clock pocket and placed a chest box on the counter. There must have been many valuable items inside for when he flipped it open, Borgin's eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"These toys!-"

Mr. Malfoy cleared his throat and gave a venomous glare. "These are just a _few_ things that would prove embarrassing in the Ministry's hands and are not to be said _aloud_."

Borgin began to sift through the items in silence, evaluating them as he went on. He got out his money chest and began to place payment on the counter. Mr. Malfoy looked at the amount and sneered, taking two more Galleons out and adding them to the pile. When his back was turned, Borgin took back on and stuck his tongue out at Mr. Malfoy.

"Pleasure doing business with you," Mr. Malfoy said cooly.

Exiting, Borgin gave him the fist in arm. When Mr. Malfoy took notice, Borgin acted like he was dusting a coat sleeve.

--Harry left soon after, hoping find his was back to the Weasleys. As he exited the shop he found Draco and his dad yet again, only this time Mr. Malfoy was talking to a rather revealing wearing witch.

"Do you have my payment?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes and reached down the front of her dress, taking out a purse full of money.

He smiled and gave her a swat with his cane and left.

"Harry?" a deep familiar voice called.

"Hagrid?"

"What are you doing down here? Get up here!"

Harry, a bit reluctantly, followed. He was about to asked the witch 'how much'.

"What were you doing down there Hagrid?" Harry asked. To his delight, they were walking into Diagon Alley.

"I was eh, looking for Flesh Eatin' Slug Repellent, they was runin' all the school cabbages."

Harry looked at the container at his side. He managed to make out 'rubber latex' before Hagrid hastily covered it up.

"Here you go Harry," Hagrid pointed into the book store Flourish and Blotts where he saw the Weasley family steanding in a very long line.

"Thanks," with that he entered.

--"Oh! There you are Harry! I'd hoped you'd only gone one grate too far," she said, dusting him off.

Harry looked around, batting at her cleaning hand like a lion cub his mother. There were hundreds of one book around with a golden haired man on the cover and the title "Conceited Me".

"We already picked up your books for you Harry," Ron informed.

"Thanks."

A short man came out from behind a curtain on the upper level of the book store. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he announced. "Presenting Gilderoy Lockheart." The crowed clapped and cheered. Witches all over sighed. Harry and Ron looked in disgust.

"Hello, hello. Thank you all for coming to this special signing. 'What's so special?' you may ask, well I'll tell you. I'm here," he gave a cocky laugh. To Harry's disbelief, people were actually laughing with him. Ron was laughing at him. He leaned into Harry. "Dude, take a hit off of this and his hair become like...one of those nineteen sixty beehive hairdos!" Harry, again, politely turned down the joint (because drugs are bad kids) and continued to listen, not believing this man could get any cockier.

Gilderoy Lockheart was in the middle of a sentence when he looked down into the crowd and spotted Harry. "Harry Potter, it can't be..." he hurried down the stairs and embraced Harry into a side hug. "Ladies and Gentlemen! What an honor this is! Young Harry Potter here, in line, swooning to buy one of my books!" The crowd cheered, though he received dirty looks from some of the witches.

As the photographer from the Daily Prophet began to snap photos, Lockheart began doing dramatic poses (even the famed Michael Flatley 'Lord of the Dance' pose) while Harry just stood there. Lockheart began piling books into Harry's arms. "You'll need these for my class at school, and these and these-"

"Wait! You're going to be teaching?! Like sharing what's inside your brain ("or not inside your brain", he added quietly) to us?!" Lockheart laughed. "Look at this! Harry Potter is beyond words that I'm going to be at his school! This brings me back to when I met my hero," he gave another big smile as a reporter captured another picture.

Great...just great. A man that had an undeserved sense of accomplishment (like Kevin Federline. No, not fucking '_K-Fed'_, Kevin Federline) is going to be teaching at his school. Peachy...

Just then, Draco and his dad walked into the shop. Perfecto.

"Go get your books Draco. I'll be upstairs, behind the curtain with the lit up Vegas-like sign above it looking for...um...biographies..."

"Ok, father."

Harry went over to Draco, "I wouldn't buy a used book if I were you. I had a friend who did and ten years later, bam! Herpes."

Draco just stared and walked away.

Moments later a disheveled Lucius Malfoy came out of the room just as Mr. Weasley entered the shop. The two spotted each other. The crowd around went silent, dust blew around and the sound of swinging saloon doors were about. The crowd quickly yet silently slipped past Mr. Weasley on their hurried way out. The Weasley family stood to one side of the room.

"Lucius."

"Weasley."

Lucius came down the steps, the sound of spurs at his heels. Mr. Weasley rounded on one heel, squinted his eyes and rapped his fingers on his gun holster.

"Oh this is ridiculous," Mrs. Weasley broke the silence. "Why don't you two just shake hands and make-up?"

"I'm not touching that hand! Merlin knows where that things been," Mr. Weasley snapped.

"It's been to _bigger_ and _better_ places than yours," Lucius snapped back, sneering.

That was it. The two launched at each other. Lucius was hurtled into a stack of books. Rebounding, he sent Mr. Weasley through two sets of book shelves.

He jumped back up, floating in air. Lucius spun and twirled in the air, forming his hands into a 'praying mantis'.

Mrs. Weasley sighed and rolled her eyes. "This is ridiculous." With a flick of her wand, the two were brought back down and separated. "You two can continue your fight over who really crapped in the sandbox later; Arthur, we've got shopping do to."

As they left, the two eyed each other.

* * *

A/N: I know I never do these in the middle or at the end, but hey. I have to thank a very awesome episode of Family Guy for the "ten years later, bam! Herpes!" Lmfao! I loved that line so much I had to use it. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Arriving at Platform nine and three quarters, the family and Harry hurried along the platform towards the barrier between nine and ten. Making sure no one was around, Fred and George ran straight at the wall and disappeard through it. Next Percy and then Mr. and Mrs. Weasley with Ginny.

"Alright mate, our turn," said Ron.

They cheked to make sure the coast was clear. When Harry noticed an old lady sitting on a bench right in viewing range, Harry ran up to her screaming and flailing his arms about at her. Terrified she hurried off.

"Just like with pidgeons," he remarked.

The coast was clear.

They both took off at top speed. _Crash!_

They hit the barried full speed.

Bouncing back, Harry shook his head and looked up. Ron was plastered against the wall. Getting up and brushing himself off, he went to the wall and began to peel Ron off it. He gave him a good shake, much like a blanket, and Ron popped out again and was okay.

"Why do you think we can't get through?" Ron asked.

"Maybe we have to pay that troll over there," Harry pointed to a slumped figure leaning against the barrier.

"Harry, that's a homeless woman."

"Oh."

Stepping out into the parking lot, they set their stuff by the Weasley family car.

"What do you think we do now?" Ron asked.

"We could always fly there. Your mum and dad can Apperate home."

"Yeah!" That was it. They were going to fly. High into the sky, over roof tops and then dive deep into the sea. Okay, maybe not quite like that, but close.

--"I can show you the world," Harry sang.

"Harry, I swear to Merlin if you don't stop singing that song, I'm going to fling you from this car," Ron warned.

Harry stopped and scowled, crossing his arms.

Ron ignored him.

Harry noticed and began to kick the dashboard.

"Harry. Don't make me pull this car over..."

He gave another good kick, sticking out his tongue.

"That's it!"

--Back in the car, there was a rather red faced Ron and a bruised and sniffling Harry.

"I'm sorry." Ron broke the silence.

Harry turned to look out his window, wiping his nose on the back of his hand.

"You okay?" Ron continued.

"You want to go get some ice cream?"

Harry shook his head.

"No? Maybe some cotton candy?"

Harry chook his head again.

"Well, we're almost there. I think. Where's that damn Hogwarts Expressive?!"

Suddenly Hedwig let out a screech that sounded like, "_Shiiit!_"

Ron and Harry spun around. Right behind them was the train they were looking for.

To avoid being hit, Ron turned the wheel so fast the car rolled and Harry was flug out his door, clinging to the handle.

"Harry! You fell out of the car!" Ron cried.

"No shit Sherlock! Help me!"

Ron reached over out the door and grabbed Harry's hand.

"What are you doing?!" cried Ron when Harry began hitting at his hand.

"I don't know. I saw people do this in the movies," said Harry.

"Yeah, when they want to be let go of!"

"Oh."

With a good tug, Ron managed to pull Harry back into the car.

"Woah, that was some scary ass stuff there," said Harry.

--It was late when they finally arrived at the Hogwarts grounds. All the windows were lit and the lights in the Great Hall were dancing around; the feast had already begun.

About to land, the car began to jerk violently. Ron tried grabbing the wheel, but the wheel was doing it's own thing. They were flung about in the air before violently crashing into a tree.

"Well, it's a good thing trees can't hit back," said Ron brushing glass from his shirt.

Harry pointed out the window.

Wrong. Trees could hit back. At least this one could.

With the force of a million seagulls, the side of the car was slammed and dented in. Harry and Ron screamed. A branch came in from the back window, shook hands with Ron and exited back out.

The car was lifted even higher then slammed to the ground.

"Yeah! Take that bitch!" the tree shouted.

Harry and Ron were flung from the car. Next their stuff and Hedwig came flying out at them. The car honked and took off into the forest.

--"So a House Elf shows up in my bedroom, we can't get through the barrier on Platform Nine and Three Quarters and-" Harry and Ron were cut off. There, standing in front of them was Argus Filch; the school caretaker and every students worest nightmare.

"Well, well. What do we have here? Oh, dear, we are in trouble..." He smiled, his nasty yellowed teeth showing. "You're coming with me. I think Prefessor Snape would like a word."

Harry and Ron gaped. Great...On top of encountering Filch, they had to go see the dreaded Professor Snape.

--"What are you two doing?" Filch asked back, leading them to Snape's office.

"Listing things we'd rather do that talk to snape," replied Harry.

"I'd rather shove bamboo under my fingernails, than talk to Snape," said Ron.

"I'd rather shove a pinecone forwards up my ass, than talk to Snape," added Harry.

Filch held a hand up to silence them when they reached Snape's office.

Entering, Harry and Ron looked around. Iron maidens, chains, leather straps? What the hell went on in here?

Hermione appeared suddenly from the adjacent room looking flushed.

"Hermione?! What are you doing here?" Ron asked, incredulous.

"She just came from the Great Feast, right?" Snape looked at her.

She nodded and left. Ron and Harry just stared at eachother and Snape. Snape and Hermione pairing?! How incredibly messed up that is! That's just one imagination that needs to be put down...Shut it down people; shut it down...

"You were seen my no less than seven muggles!" Snape said, tossing the news paper on his desk.

"Actually, it was more like eight-"

Ron nudged Harry in the ribs. Mmm, ribs. Now Ron was hungry. He lit one up just a few moments after Hermione walked out and everyone was trying to work out the awkward tension.

"You two have damage a tree that's been around since before you were born..."Snape hissed.

"Honestly Professor, I tink it did more damage to us!" exclaimed Ron.

"Ne, ne, ne, ne, ne," Snape mocked.

"Now," he composed himself, "It is most unfortunate that I don't have the authority to expel you, but lucky for you, the people who do are on their way right now," he sneered.

Harry and Ron felt their hearts drop.

While they waited in silence, Harry was looking around until his eyes fell upon a piece of paper on the ground by Filch's feet. Filch wasn't paying any attention, so Harry bent down to pick it up.

_'Are you completely incompetent at even casting the simplest of spells? Have you been told 'what's the point of being a wizard/witch?' Well then we have the programme for you!'_ The paper was sudden;y snatched from his hands. A fuming Filch was crumbling the paper and shoving it back into his pocket. Before he could say anything, the dungeon door opened.

In walked Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonnagle.

"Headmaster," Snape greeted. "These boys have flouted the decree for underage wizardry; as such-"

"I am well aware of our by-laws Severus, having wrote several of them myself," Dumbledore's eye twinkled. "Now if you'd be so kind to proceed Professor McGonnagle."

McGonnagle stepped forward.

"We'll go pack out shit then..." Ron moped.

"What are you talking about Mr. Weasley?"

"You're going to expell us aren't you?"

"Not today, Mr. Weasley."

Harry and Ron beamed.

"But I will be writing home and points will be deducted from Gryffindor."

Ron's lighter than air feeling came craching at the thought of his parents reading about what happened. Ron thought he felt his nuts fall off at the thought.

--Heading back to the Gryffindor common room, Harry and Ron met up with Hermione who was coming out of the girls bathroom. They thought it best to just pretend that they didn't find her in Snape's office. "So how are you?" Harry asked. "I'm doing just fine. Busy summer. I had to come back early for-"

"We don't want to know," Harry and Ron said in unison.

"I was going to say to find my books that I left here," she gave them a pointed look.

The trio together again, they headed back to the common room.

"Ah! There you three are!" A famliar voice called down the hall. It was Just About Completey Headless Nick, floating irredecently towards them.

"I have a favor to ask you three."

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood there, wondering what on Earth Nick could want with them. Maybe if they weren't so impatient I could get to that?!

"I have a Death Day party coming up and a bunch of my friends are going to be there and I need you three to come and act like I'm really scary."

"But you are really scary," said Ron. Nick's irredecent eyes shimmered as if filled with tears. "Thank you, young man."

"Well, I don't know if-" began Harry.

"Come, come! Out with it already. I don't have all day. I have this parrot that seems to be malfunctioning or something and I need to go see someone about it."

The three looked at eachother, deciding, then realizing that this meant a lot to Nick.

"Ok, sure. We'll be there."

"Great!" Nick beamed. "It'll be tomorrow at four in the storage closet right over there," he pointed.

They decided to run back to the common room before anyone or anything else catches up with them.

Tomorrow was the start of term, and Harry just looked forward to catching up with his friends; other than Ron and Hermione. They were ok, but you know...they can get kind of annoying after a while...


	4. Chapter 4

----"Fridga-fradga-comfarmint-fraggin-" Harry came marching into Gryffindor tower soaked to the bone. The rain had dampened everything except Oliver Wood's enthusiasm for Quidditch practice. In the boys dormitory, Harry de-robed and gave a great sneeze. He was sure he had caught cold. Curling up under the nice warm blankets of his four poster, he was met with a sudden cold draft as the boys dormitory door sung open.

"Hi-ya Harry!" It was Ron. "Have you forgotten about Nick's Death Day party?" he asked.

Harry's eyes shot open. Opps, he had. He winced and groaned. Nick was a ghost, and if he didn't go he was sure that Nick would float on in here, enter up his nose into his brain and make him go. Swinging his feet out of bed into his shoes, he begrudgingly got up.

"Come on, Hermione," Ron rapped on the girl's dormitory door. Hermione appeared in the door way. She was wearing a bow in her hair.

"What's with the bow?" Ron asked.

Hermione adjusted it selfconsciously.

"Yeah, it looks like a gift of twine," Harry added. Hermione turned beet red.

"Let's just go, ok?" said Hermione.

--Entering the empty room; Harry, Ron and Hermione were shocked at how many ghosts there were in Hogwarts. They were also shocked at how putrid of a smell they could muster.

"Ah! You've made it!" Nick greeted them, his smile as wide at the gash on his neck.

"Ugh! What's that smell?!" Ron exclaimed. Harry elbowed his, thinking he saw Nick paying close attention to his friend's nasal cavity.

"It's the main course," Nick jestured towards a long table set up along the side wall. Heaped on the table was mounds of rotting food. Though it would probably be safe to say rotten as it couldn't get any worse. "Dumbledore supplied it," Nick smiled.

"What did you do to make him so angry?" Harry asked. Nick looked confused. "Oh! Why it's all rotten, I see. Well, since we're-"

"Dead," said Ron. Nick glared.

"Yes...dead. As I was saying," he gave him another sharp look, "The sharp tang of rotten food, gives us almost the sensation of taste."

Nick turned to Hermione. "That's a lovely ball of twine on your head," he smiled and floated away.

Hermione sighed and removed the bow.

Finding seats along the back; Harry, Ron and Hermione sat looking around at the scene before them. The Grey Lady of Ravenclaw, Fat Friar of Hufflepuff and Bloody Barron of Slytherin were all present as were some ghosts that they didn't recognize. There was one they didn't recognize for the fact that he was behaving and looking so out of character. Peeves was floating to the side of The Grey Lady; a transparent wine glass in one hand and a transparent cigar in the other. His normally untidy hair was combed to either side and he had what looked like spats over his shoes.

"Peeves?" Hermione said, incredulous.

He started, trasnlucent liquid spilling from his glass, disapating on the floor.

"Where's your bag of tricks?" Harry asked, still in disbelief.

"Yes, well it is a party for a friend of mine," he trailed off.

"That's never stopped you before," Ron remarked.

"Yes, well...Ok, the Bloody Baron scares the shit out of me and he's watching my every move." He downed the rest of the contents in his glass and floated off. Heading off the the food and punch that was set aside for them, Ron caught his two brothers Fred and George walking by.

"Oi!" he called out. They stopped.

"How come you two aren't in here?" Ron asked.

"We're too sexy for this party," said George.

"Right," said Fred.

Taking their seats, Hermione said, "I'm more of a Devo person, myself."

"Can we go now?" Ron asked. Harry had been anxious to get to the Great Hall feast after this, but the smell of rotting food had turned him nautious and he had no appetite. Judging by the looks of his friend's faces, he would guess they had too.

"Yeah, let's go."

--"Woah! What happened here?" exclaimed Ron. The corridor floor on theit way to the Gryffindor common room was completely flooded.

"I don't know. Toilet gone dodgy, I s'pose," said Harry.

Wading through the hall, a sight caught their eyes. They looked up and gasped.

Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat, was strung up by her tail. The frightening sight was offset by a sack of open grain at the foot of the scene. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked quizicaly at eachother.

"Hello!" They nearly jumped out of their skins. Doby, the House Elf appeared in front of them. "Geezes, Dobby! What do you think you're doing?! You scared us half to death!" Harry patted his chest.

Doby's cute little ears dropped. "Dobby has angered Harry Potter, sir." He looked around before grabbing Mrs. Norris and proceeding to beat himself with her.

"Dobby! Stop!" Harry tried franticaly to get the stiff, dead form of Mrs. Norris.

Placing her back in the holder, he head a too familliar, "Oi!"

Filch.

"What do you think you're doing, you-" He cut short. He started stammering and pointing.

"Mrs.-Mrs. Norris?" his eyes welled up.

Harry was unsure of what to do. "If it makes you feel any better, no one liked her. Everyone here will be glad to see her gone," he patted him on the back. Filch looked at him through tear filled eyes. His brows quickly drew together and his face flooded with color not too far from Uncle Vernon's color when he went up a flight of stairs.

"You. You! You killed my cat!" he wraped his hands around Harry's neck.

"Argus!" a voice boomed. Dumbledore, followed by other staff members, had arrived.

"He killed my cat!" Filch cried.

"Tattle-tale," Hermione hissed.

"No! I didn't kill his cat! I found her like that. She was in the bracket and Dobby appeared out of no where and was upset and starting himself in the head with her and I tried to grab her back and put here where I found her," Harry explained.

"Maybe so!" Filch screeched, "But you killed her and put her there in the first place!"

"If I may, Headmaster," Snape stepped forward, a spotlight shone done, casting a dramatic shadow over his face. "I don't recall seeing Potter at dinner."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Ron interjected.

"I," Snape began, "I don't know..." The spotlight went out as he stepped back.

"Step aside! I can explain." Nearly Headless Nick arrived.

"Why do we need to step aside? Can't you just float through?" Hermione asked. Nick shot her a look and proceeded through. He quickly turned back and entered through Hermione's nose. She started to do a jig, with literal phantom jig music being sung.

"Nicholas!" Dumbledore interrupted. White fog spilled from Hermiones nose and Nick reformed. Ron started laughing.

"I've held that much smoke before," he laughed. Hermione rubbed her nose and avoided eye contact.

"Anyways," Nick adjusted his vest. "As I was saying; Harry, Ron and Hermione were with me. It was my Deathday and I invited them."

Students started to filter into the hall.

"Before a scene arises, everyone clear out. Nothing to see," he called back to the entering students.

Harry was about to head back to the common room with Ron and Hermione when he heard a strange noise. Was something hissing? He looked around, seeing if he could pin point where the sound was coming from. He walked along the wall, his ear pressed against it.

"_Sssss...Kill! Kill!_" Harry jumped back. Kill? That couldn't be good.

He pressed his ear against the wall again.

"_Killed. Killed. Dun-dun-dun._"

"Anyone hear that?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione.

"Hear what?" Hermione asked.

"That voice," he pressed against the wall again.

"Voice? What voice?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "The one I'm hearing, obviously, der."

"Harry, even in the Wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign."

"Ya-think?!"

--Harry lay in bed that night mulling over what he had heard. How come no one else heard it? Or did they really not hear it. Were they just throwing him for a loop? Deciding to worry about it later, he took out a piece of spare parchment and his quill and began to write lines:

_Voldemort is up to something_

_Voldemort is up to something_

_Voldemort is up to something..._


End file.
